Hi All!
It’s been about a month since my last post and it’s not to say that I haven’t at times wanted to share a thing or to, but I’ve been running around and haven’t made the time to just sit down and THINK.
I have not had any real noticeable symptoms of any sort of withdrawal or what some may label as ‘permanent discontinuation withdrawal.’ I have, however, continued to notice the intensity of PMS rise at the 7 day prior to start of menses, including anxiety and depression. (this usually only lasting about 3 days) There have been moments that I wonder if my perspective of intensity is at all altered by not having dealt with these emotions for quite some time and having to re-learn or if the intensity has in fact been changed due to the use of Effexor. I don’t really experience any high’s or low’s at any other point of time and so no matter how low I can get I try and remind myself that the complexity is due to the baggage that I’ve had pile up… and I try to remember that taking apart those past hurts will take some time to deal with and heal from. One day at a time, right?
I am noticing that I am judging myself for these moments harder and harder each time that they manifest, forces me acknowledge that I’m faulting myself for not always being ‘happy’ or ‘perfect’ the way I believe that I should be. That shame can bring on more depression, or more anxiety and so if you feel this way about yourself, and direct shame on to yourself, don’t. Nothing good will come of it, believe me. You’re on the road to freedom for a reason, and that road is going to come with pot holes, rocks, detours, and sharp turns. Your goal isn’t to avoid it all, your goal is to simply, MAKE IT HOME.
Some emotions run deep, and trust me when I say that I mean it whole-heartedly when I say that no one will ever be harder on me than me. Whether someone hurts you on accident or on purpose we tend to want to find our fault and blame ourselves and THAT self-inflicted shame is what keeps us up at night. It’s never that they did something, or said something it’s the WHY they did it, WHY they said it and oh my sweet Lord, there must be truth to it. Well there isn’t it. Life is already hard, don’t allow yourself to make it even harder by kicking YOURSELF when you’re already down.
I’m writing this to you, but I’m taking it for myself as well. I am no different, I too am only trying to make it home, wherever ‘Home’ may one day be.