Allow me to clarify, I don't necessarily suffer from physical ailments as I once did during my Effexor usage and during my tapering process. My struggle these past weeks have been more of a psychological struggle. For those of you just finding my blog, this link will give you some insight on Effexor (Venlafaxine) and how it affects the brain's neurotransmitters and cognitive processes. I have struggled with the depression that is often associated with the discontinuation of Serotonin–norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRI's). There seems to be an emptiness that pursues me, a dark that I never before was introduced to. As mentioned in previous posts, I was initially prescribed Effexor for my anxiety issues brought on by specific life events. Therefore having to now deal with depression due to the changed brain chemistry, is a bit disheartening; and some days I feel altogether hopeless.
There have been great moments of clarity during this time of quiet, as I am not currently working and when certain relationships from my past are mentioned, it's difficult to just shrug them off. People weigh on me in ways that I never knew that they could and I'd like to believe that it's temporary, that I spent so long allowing these drugs to change my cognitive processes that it's only natural that it take more than a month or two to get those synapses and transmitters working as they once did. I'm struggling with the forgive and forget, with the let go and be done... I'm struggling with not being in the perfect position, at the perfect timing with the perfect people to happily say that I've finally reached my destination. I have not, and will not ever return to Effexor as many do upon realizing that reality is quite different without. I simply keep searching for ways to get back what was once mine, you know, sanity. Hahaha
I'm seeking out God as I did during my entire process even on days that I don't FEEL very spiritual. And I'm working on letting go and reigning in the thoughts about the people that refused to stand beside me when I needed them most, including the anxiety and/or emptiness that comes with having to 'move on.'
Some of you have voiced repeatedly that you fear letting people know about your struggle with antidepressants/ pharmaceutical drugs because it would be too much to handle finding out that the people you thought were your friends, weren't really friends at all. But, as you get older, life gets harder. Decisions will weigh heavier on you, whether the consequence be good or bad. Your schedule will become more hectic, and your time more precious. Wouldn't you want to surround yourself with people that love you just as much as you love them? Wouldn't you want to know that when push come to shove, the friend that you'd break your back for would not hesitate to do the same for you? Because NOT judging you, loving you through your struggle, and simply checking in on you is one of the easier "friend responsibilities" and if that's too much for them, I have news for you, you ain't got a friend you've got a fan and their admiration will always be fleeting.
There are a few of you that have wanted to meet (again) and talk, exchange experiences and seek advice and I apologize for my delay in response. I will be in contact with you within the next day or two.
If you've heard nothing at all, hear this...