I’ve spent 95% of the last 10 days in bed, either sleeping or just simply lost in thought. It’s been a while since I slowed down enough to just lay in bed. The down time allows for a bit of perspective when you’re constantly caught up with work or the associated politics of it. Reflection is important, no matter how busy you find yourself. A new year is fast approaching and there are habits, people, situations, places, and pains that I’m planning to keep from following into it with me.
Those of you reading this who are currently in the process of weaning from something, someone, or hoping to; can attest to my saying that life isn’t worth living if you don’t feel that you are healthily and happily living it. Many of us adapt to negative or hurtful situations, or we cope without noticing that we are making accommodations for areas that are impacting us negatively when what we should be doing is implementing a plan to rid ourselves of it (them). Speaking from experience, living every day with some sort of ailment, or ache, or pain can wear on you over time. It can bring on a fog over situations that otherwise should be happy, joyous and momentous. But we settle for that, when we shouldn’t. For example, prior to my LASIK eye surgery I could clearly see maybe 5 inches in front of my nose, that’s it, everything else was a watery blob of colors and shadows. And now, when I wake up in the morning, EVERYTHING is so clear. All this time, I’ve accommodated by updating the prescription in my glasses, or contact lenses. I would have to dispose of the contacts every month, I’d have to store them in a small appropriate container. I would have to spend $20 for contact solution that would only last me about 3 weeks. I’d stumble around at night or in the mornings until finding my temporary fix… but, this entire time all of those ritualistic things that I did to be able to see was my adapting to my issue. It was my way of coping with having bad eye sight, instead of simply fixing the issue. Let me just say that NOT worrying about wearing my glasses or if I’ve run out of lens solution, or remembering to remove my contacts at the end of the night is REFRESHING! Imagine how much more refreshing it would be to not need to suffer from Effexor, addiction of smoking, having to drinking alcohol at every possible opportunity just to feel NORMAL? (your own personal definition of normal, of course)
THAT is what I want. I want to lead into 2014 shedding light in places that dark has no reason being in. I want to heal the parts of me that I have avoided during this time on Effexor, and be set free of the bondages of anxiety, hurt, and hopelessness. I want to keep the good close and not accommodate for the bad just because I fear the judgment over it. I want to live a life of quality, even if that means that I have to slooooow down my pace. Because if months or even years down the road every memory is tainted with a negative or painful thought, all of our struggle is in vain. Because whether we struggle to cope with our demons, or struggle to defeat them we are still struggling and God has already said that we have the victory in ALL of our battles as long as we walk with him. So, know your place in your struggle. Know your strength, know your power. It’s a new year, should it not be lived in a new way?